Burpee

ok... so after my divorce, i discovered that it is absolutely impossible to work the night shift and meet someone to hang out with. all i wanted was a friend to go to dinner with... watch a movie with.... just good company. at some point in my venture, i decided it was a "good idea" to get online and try a dating site.
this is where i first came in contact with the guy i like to call "Burpee." we chatted online for a while... he asked for my number, and being in my vulnerable state, i gave it to him. he called.... we talked.... he asked me out on a date....said he wanted to take me "some place really nice" so of course...i agreed!
date night rolls around...as usual i had the whole pre-date jitters. what to wear? how to fix my hair? what jewelry/shoes goes with that outfit? yada yada ya.. you get it.... so i drive to jonesboro to meet him at the agreed location. i park at the back of the parking lot so as not to be seen if i suddenly feel the urge to drive off and never look back.... i called my friend candice to get some good friendly advice for when i see him. i am talking to her when i spot him....he is.... hmmm... lets say not as aesthetically pleasing as i had hoped. as a matter of fact i should tell you now i'm quite shallow when it comes to this. guys i have dated in the past are what most would consider "pretty boys." maybe that is why i have found myself in this predicament. so after screaming into the phone how awful this situation is... candice assures me that the "right thing" to do would be go meet him and have dinner with him. after all, "no one has ever died from having dinner with someone." she also assured me that i might.... GOD FORBID.... actually like him. i decided she was right and drove to the front of the parking lot to park and meet him. after walking up to the building and doing the whole introduction thing (which is really awkward as always), he instructed me that i would be driving because he "was kind of in the middle of moving when he had to take time out for the date"... and really didn't have time to clean out his truck. ok so at this point i'm thinking.... THINGS THAT MAKE YA GO HMMMM FOR $200 ALEX... YOU ARE THE ONE THAT ASKED ME ON THIS DATE! IF THE TIMING IS BAD THIS IS YOUR FAULT, NOT MINE!!!!
so we are driving... i asked him where we were going at which point he says to me "i was thinking wings to go..." SERIOUSLY!? I WAS TOLD WE WERE GOING SOME PLACE NICE SO I WORE MY GOOD JEANS, CUTE BLACK SWEATER, AND HEELS FOR THIS?! SERIOUSLY?!
WOW....i don't even know what to say... so onward we go into wings to go. the entire trip (which felt like an hour but really wasn't but a few mins) he was in the passenger side of my vehicle breathing like he had just run the entire length of the tour de france beside lance armstrong on his trusty bicycle. i know this is picky but it really is annoying.
we FINALLY get there at which point he makes no move to open my door. we get in line to order food where he jumps in front of me and orders half the menu....i was then allowed to order and decided to choose something not so messy in the case that he was able to dig himself out of this havoc.... i didn't want to have wing sauce all over my face. we sat down to eat at which time he turned to look at the nearest tv. we ate in silence. i eat quickly... quick as i ever have before.... like i was at work and trying to get my blood sugar elevated enough to muster the strength to work the trauma code approaching our back door.... I ATE FAST! when i finished, he had only just begun..... as evidenced by belch number 1... i was seriously planning a trip to the doctor as i was sure i was experiencing auditory hallucinations. he continued eating at which point i heard belch number 2.... wow... there are no words. you must know that during any of these "outbursts" he never once covered his mouth... tried to stifle the sound or even said a simple "excuse me." at some point during the meal he did at least manage to ask me why i dressed up so much. now i have not broached the subject of his dress until now. that is because i always hated it in school when you had to "dress a certain way to be with the in crowd" or whatever. let us be perfectly clear that HE brought up the dress code for the date. being the passive agressive person i am in situations such as these i muttered something about "i always dress this way." now to unleash the fury on his dress for the date.... a black t shirt that was ripped in two places and a pair of black jeans that looked about 3 sizes too big.... not to be outdone by the black ozzy osbourne boots. I AM ON A DATE WITH A SERIAL KILLER... I WANT TO TEXT MY MOTHER AND TELL HER I LOVE HER AND THAT THE PAPERWORK FOR MY LIFE INSURANCE POLICY IS IN THE TOP DRAWER OF MY FILING CABINET IN MY OFFICE AT MY HOUSE. SHE IS THE BENEFICIARY SO THERE SHOULDN'T BE ANY PROBLEMS. as best i can i try to encourage a quick finish to the meal...we are walking back to MY car and he actually has the gaul to ask if i want to see a movie.... cue the phone call.... (i should have explained that i always have a friend call me at a certain point during any date to make sure i am ok... if not they assure me that a bus load of hemophiliacs have just wrecked and are headed to the er i am employed at and that my immediate assistance is required!) so past the point of rescue i think i can't ever return... i am so relieved at this phone call.... i apologized for the "bad timing" and explained that i had to return to paragould for an emergency at the hospital.... whew! i love my job!..... on the drive back i would be lying if i said i didn't giggle a little bit at belch number 3.... i am actually in awe at this point.... i feel like i am on candid camera. he FINALLY gets out of my car and i really think i can escape without seeing him again...
WRONG!!! over the course of the next week, he calls first to tell me what a "snotty little b**ch" i am...explaining that i had no right to dress that way and make him feel underdressed...wow.... again... there are no words....i said ok... i'm sorry i made you feel that way... looks like it just isn't going to work out...(this was back when i thought taking the higher road was the way to go) he called a few times over the course of the next 2 months at which point he had experienced a "change of heart" if you will.... i suddenly became the love of his life and had been rewarded a second chance! he still occasionally contacts me to ask me out for subsequent dates.... i have since... given up on being nice and recently started explaining that it really wouldn't be a good idea for him to go out with such a snotty little b**ch like me....