ok so the date with mike brady didn't go so well... if at first you don't succeed... well now i know you should give up... but at the time it was... try try again....
the same night i decided to give it a whirl with my standby date. a standby date is the one ya call on if the first one falls through. obviously my valentine's date sucked so of course i called on the standby.....this guy i also met online :) notice a trend yet? we had been talking for only a few days but we had SEVERAL mutual friends. so i decided... what do i have to lose?! my valentine's day is already shot! let's see if it can get worse!!!
so i meet this guy at his house to watch some movies and hang out... when i get there he was casually drinking a beer... not what i would be doing when i am meeting someone for the first time but ok... i can give this a whirl... we had fun... talked... hit it off even! come to find out he too worked the night shift... HOW PERFECT?! I WORKED NIGHTS! DOES ANYONE REALLY KNOW HOW IMPOSSIBLE IT IS TO DATE WHEN YOU WORK NIGHTS!!??
we ended up hanging out more and more over the course of the next two or three months... he ended up getting laid off during the middle of our booming economic situation, but we always enjoyed each others company. he also always insisted that i come to his house... he never wanted to hang out at my house and we never really went out....however....i started to notice that every time i saw him he was drinking a beer... and more beer and more beer... i couldn't take it any more! the suspense was killing me!!
one night i finally mustered up the courage to ask him about this seeming habit. i casually commented..."geez! you drink enough beer? are you an alcoholic or something?" WOW! CUE THE FIREWORKS... SOMEONE HAS STARTED WW3!!! he instantly became defensive and said NO! why does everyone always say that?! i've never been an alcoholic... i'm not an alcoholic... and i never WILL BE an alcoholic! EVEN MY REHAB COUNSELOR SAYS I'M NOT AN ALCOHOLIC!!!! *things that make ya go hmmmm....* so eventually he did confide that the reason we always hung out at his place was because he couldn't drive... he had like 3 DWI charges.... WOW...how did i ever get so lucky?
I HAVE NOW DECIDED I HATE VALENTINE'S DAY.......
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Mike Brady
ok so picture this.... valentine's day 2008.... i had been talking to this one for a few weeks.... we decided to meet and go out. he seemed normal enough... (this was of course before i realized you have to look a little longer sometimes for the "thing" that is wrong with them).... he told me he had recently returned from iraq, was interviewing for a job, had a car, and was waiting on the previous residents to move in to his own apartment. in the interim he was living with his sister. he explained that like me he had been married before... no kids... and down on love just as i was. so i agreed to a date of course! 3/3 (well kind of... i mean the whole living with his sister wasn't ideal but he was..afterall...about to move in to his own apartment) woohoo! i finally did it! yet again i go through act 1 of "getting ready for the date..." followed quickly by act 2 "being nervous about the date..." and top it off with act 3 "dooms day: the date itself"
ACT 1: i'm getting ready for the date when i get a phone call....."nicole... this is your date.... my truck has...*insert some malfunction i have never heard of* and i'm not going to be able to drive tonight..... i'm waiting on my sister to get home and i'll pick you up in her car" ok.... i'm feeling sorry for the guy.... what an awful predicament... i continue getting ready....cue next phone call...."nicole... this is your date again.... my sister is using her car tonight so i'm not gonna be able to drive at all...i'm so sorry... i guess i'm going to have to cancel." NO FREAKING WAY! I HAVE HAD MY HAIR COLORED AND MY EYEBROWS WAXED! I WILL HAVE A DATE FOR VALENTINE'S DAY!!! i'm nearly completely ready by this point and tell him that i'll just come pick him up and we'll continue as planned... he agrees and expresses his deepest sorrow that his vehicle has crashed and burned.
ACT 2: i'm pretty nervous at this point.... i'm worried that this is all a scheme to cancel the date... he is rethinking asking me out.... i should have just let him out of it. after a while i figure that i can't do anything about it now... just go with it....
ACT 3: i get to the house that he has told me is his sister's. he meets me in the driveway....THIS CAN'T BE GOOD. when i get out of my truck he begins to explain that he isn't going to be able to go out exactly. he tells me that he has to stay at his sister's house and has some long drawn out explanation that (because i was so naive) at the time made sense. he told me he had rented some movies and he wanted me to stay and at least chat it up... get to know him... now most of you probably think i'm crazy at this point. the ONLY reason i even considered this was because i graduated with his ex wife... i hadn't seen her in a few years but knew SHE wasn't a nut bag so surely she wouldn't marry one..... as you can guess.... i agreed to stay. while i was following him in the house he started with..."nicole... i've not exactly been completely honest with you...." WHY DO PEOPLE SAY THIS? IS IT REALLY SUPPOSE TO LIGHTEN THE BLOW? AND SERIOUSLY?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE TRUTH?! IN MY EXPERIENCE IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO START WITH THAT! when i heard that statement i started tuning him out... i'm pretty angry with the whole "not completely honest" thing.... it is then that i spot the first one.....a 7 or 8 year old boy.... he is sitting on the couch playing a video game....i suddenly discover i have to "listen" to what he is saying... he is explaining that he does have kids.....the explanation however is overshadowed by the other three kids marching in time to the music of the video game from some back room into the living room. these kids are probably some where around 6, 5, and 3. i suddenly realize that he has just told me that he has 4 kids....OMG! I'M ON A DATE WITH MIKE BRADY! I DON'T MIND DATING SOMEONE WITH KIDS BUT THIS GUY HAS HIS OWN READY-MADE SWEAT SHOP! at this time in my life i was still thinking i never wanted children.... i guess we all go thru that.... i feel myself start to hyperventilate.. my head is spinning... i feel dizzy... fast forward to a year later when i have to tell my mother i'm engaged and she's about to go from 3 kids to 4 grandkids! no thanks! so i'm trying to figure out what exactly to do about this situation as i figure it is considered pretty rude to run out the door as soon as you walk in... not to mention i didn't want to scare the partridge family. he told me i could pick the movie. i was handed a selection of 3 disney classics to "watch with the kids..." HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY NICOLE! THIS IS JUST WHAT YOU GET... WHY DO YOU FEEL SORRY FOR PEOPLE BEING DOWN ON THEIR LUCK.... 4 KIDS! AND SERIOUSLY?! FOR THE LOVE... WHY DID HE ASK ME TO STAY AND MEET HIS 4 KIDS THE FIRST TIME I MET HIM?! WHO DOES THIS? WHO INTRODUCES THEIR KIDS TO A PERFECT STRANGER!!!! WOW.... TAKES ALL KINDS I SUPPOSE...we start the movie and all of a sudden i find myself with a 3 year old with a snotty nose coughing in my face and grabbing my new earrings.... she is screaming at me at the top of her lungs saying..."daddy i wanna go home with her!" over and over. WHERE IS THAT BLACK HOLE WHEN YA NEED IT?! WHY CAN'T I FALL IN.... I MAY NEVER GET OUT OF HERE ALIVE! THIS IS WHEN I DECIDED TO TAKE OUT THE LIFE INSURANCE POLICY DISCUSSED IN THE EARLIER POST. again i'm hyperventilating.... we get through about half of the movie when he decides it is....afterall....getting to be bedtime for the kids. i graciously told him i understood and that i would go so that he could "handle" things. he walked me out to my car and apologized for "being less than truthful." he tells me how beautiful he thinks i am and he really is sorry that he didn't take me out and he really hopes we can go out again....AGAIN... WE DIDN'T GO OUT THE FIRST TIME! LIE LIE LIE! YOU ARE A LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE! LESS THAN TRUTHFUL!? LIES I TELL YOU! THEY WERE LIES! i tried to be understanding, but i would be lying if i said i didn't squal my tires when pulling out of the driveway....
ACT 1: i'm getting ready for the date when i get a phone call....."nicole... this is your date.... my truck has...*insert some malfunction i have never heard of* and i'm not going to be able to drive tonight..... i'm waiting on my sister to get home and i'll pick you up in her car" ok.... i'm feeling sorry for the guy.... what an awful predicament... i continue getting ready....cue next phone call...."nicole... this is your date again.... my sister is using her car tonight so i'm not gonna be able to drive at all...i'm so sorry... i guess i'm going to have to cancel." NO FREAKING WAY! I HAVE HAD MY HAIR COLORED AND MY EYEBROWS WAXED! I WILL HAVE A DATE FOR VALENTINE'S DAY!!! i'm nearly completely ready by this point and tell him that i'll just come pick him up and we'll continue as planned... he agrees and expresses his deepest sorrow that his vehicle has crashed and burned.
ACT 2: i'm pretty nervous at this point.... i'm worried that this is all a scheme to cancel the date... he is rethinking asking me out.... i should have just let him out of it. after a while i figure that i can't do anything about it now... just go with it....
ACT 3: i get to the house that he has told me is his sister's. he meets me in the driveway....THIS CAN'T BE GOOD. when i get out of my truck he begins to explain that he isn't going to be able to go out exactly. he tells me that he has to stay at his sister's house and has some long drawn out explanation that (because i was so naive) at the time made sense. he told me he had rented some movies and he wanted me to stay and at least chat it up... get to know him... now most of you probably think i'm crazy at this point. the ONLY reason i even considered this was because i graduated with his ex wife... i hadn't seen her in a few years but knew SHE wasn't a nut bag so surely she wouldn't marry one..... as you can guess.... i agreed to stay. while i was following him in the house he started with..."nicole... i've not exactly been completely honest with you...." WHY DO PEOPLE SAY THIS? IS IT REALLY SUPPOSE TO LIGHTEN THE BLOW? AND SERIOUSLY?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE TRUTH?! IN MY EXPERIENCE IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO START WITH THAT! when i heard that statement i started tuning him out... i'm pretty angry with the whole "not completely honest" thing.... it is then that i spot the first one.....a 7 or 8 year old boy.... he is sitting on the couch playing a video game....i suddenly discover i have to "listen" to what he is saying... he is explaining that he does have kids.....the explanation however is overshadowed by the other three kids marching in time to the music of the video game from some back room into the living room. these kids are probably some where around 6, 5, and 3. i suddenly realize that he has just told me that he has 4 kids....OMG! I'M ON A DATE WITH MIKE BRADY! I DON'T MIND DATING SOMEONE WITH KIDS BUT THIS GUY HAS HIS OWN READY-MADE SWEAT SHOP! at this time in my life i was still thinking i never wanted children.... i guess we all go thru that.... i feel myself start to hyperventilate.. my head is spinning... i feel dizzy... fast forward to a year later when i have to tell my mother i'm engaged and she's about to go from 3 kids to 4 grandkids! no thanks! so i'm trying to figure out what exactly to do about this situation as i figure it is considered pretty rude to run out the door as soon as you walk in... not to mention i didn't want to scare the partridge family. he told me i could pick the movie. i was handed a selection of 3 disney classics to "watch with the kids..." HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY NICOLE! THIS IS JUST WHAT YOU GET... WHY DO YOU FEEL SORRY FOR PEOPLE BEING DOWN ON THEIR LUCK.... 4 KIDS! AND SERIOUSLY?! FOR THE LOVE... WHY DID HE ASK ME TO STAY AND MEET HIS 4 KIDS THE FIRST TIME I MET HIM?! WHO DOES THIS? WHO INTRODUCES THEIR KIDS TO A PERFECT STRANGER!!!! WOW.... TAKES ALL KINDS I SUPPOSE...we start the movie and all of a sudden i find myself with a 3 year old with a snotty nose coughing in my face and grabbing my new earrings.... she is screaming at me at the top of her lungs saying..."daddy i wanna go home with her!" over and over. WHERE IS THAT BLACK HOLE WHEN YA NEED IT?! WHY CAN'T I FALL IN.... I MAY NEVER GET OUT OF HERE ALIVE! THIS IS WHEN I DECIDED TO TAKE OUT THE LIFE INSURANCE POLICY DISCUSSED IN THE EARLIER POST. again i'm hyperventilating.... we get through about half of the movie when he decides it is....afterall....getting to be bedtime for the kids. i graciously told him i understood and that i would go so that he could "handle" things. he walked me out to my car and apologized for "being less than truthful." he tells me how beautiful he thinks i am and he really is sorry that he didn't take me out and he really hopes we can go out again....AGAIN... WE DIDN'T GO OUT THE FIRST TIME! LIE LIE LIE! YOU ARE A LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE! LESS THAN TRUTHFUL!? LIES I TELL YOU! THEY WERE LIES! i tried to be understanding, but i would be lying if i said i didn't squal my tires when pulling out of the driveway....
Monday, February 15, 2010
Frizzo
ok so i haven't posted at all in a few days... after trying to decide which of the frogs to write about next... and working... and an awful weekend... i've decided to just throw myself back into this.
why is it that when we are children we have to keep trying to touch the stove after our parents tell us to stop? why do we actually have to burn ourselves before we really do... STOP! similarly... i returned to internet dating. the next frog was from nearby. he won me over because he had 2/3 of the trifecta.... job and car. granted he still lived at home with his parents but seriously?! ya can't have it all... right?? WRONG! yes you can... you can have your cake and eat it too! however... before i learned this lesson, i made excuses for "Frizzo."
our first date....time, place, etc....all planned by him....was on a sunday afternoon. i met him at a public parking lot to "pick me up." cue fun trivia fact.... did you know that most nascar races are held on sunday afternoons? i didn't.... very soon into the trip to jonesboro for lunch..... i learned this and that in fact many of these races are announced over the radio... i also learned that a factory radio in a chevy can acheive a pretty impressive decibel level. after very little conversation... i am prone to migraines and maintaining a migraine free life is impossible while yelling across a vehicle over a radio announcer..... we finally arrived to the restaurant.
i soon learned that my date was an overly enthusiastic employee of tool city or some variance thereof.... he proceeded to enlighten me on the latest power tools along with acceptable price ranges and functions.... blah blah blah blah blah.... I FEEL LIKE I'M LISTENING TO CHARLIE BROWN'S TEACHER RATTLE ON AND ON... I WANT TO INTERRUPT HIM AND SAY "SERIOUSLY DUDE! DO I LOOK LIKE A GIRL THAT'S EVER EVEN HELD A HAMMER!?" AT WHAT POINT DID I MAKE A FACE THAT SEEMED INTERESTED? WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS!?
i will definitely have to say the best part of this date was the food.... after we finished...we got back in his car for the journey back to paragould... LUCKY ME.... the race is still being announced! he took me back to my car where i headed straight home and relived every painful screwdriver and chainsaw to my mother...
after "marinating" for a few days i decided that maybe i should have tried harder to "steer the conversation in another direction." he was...afterall...a nice guy and very cute. by this point i had decided he wasn't crazy.... and that he wouldn't kill me (we actually had a couple of mutual friends).... i decided to try pizza and a movie at my house. why i ever thought this would be a good idea i'll never know....
i had told him that i was to get off work at 7pm that night.... by 7 i actually mean 7:08. my work has some jacked up clock in and clock out policy that makes 7:08 the time to clock out... anywho... at 6:57 i received the first of approximately 8 messages asking me the following: WHEN WILL YOU BE HOME? YOU STILL GET OFF AT 7? WHAT TIME SHOULD I COME OVER? HAVE YOU ORDERED PIZZA YET? I REALLY WISH YOU WOULD ORDER PAPA JOHN'S... THAT'S MY FAVORITE! WHAT KIND OF MOVIE DO YOU WANT ME TO GET? WHAT IS YOUR EXACT ADDRESS AGAIN? ARE YOU NOT OFF WORK YET?
before i even leave the parking lot i'm regretting making this invite and wondering what exactly i can come up with to interrupt what i'm sure is to be a less than desirable date. WHERE ARE THOSE HEMOPHILIACS WHEN YA NEED THEM!? i head home and call him with all the details AGAIN! as soon as i call him he informs me that he decided that he HAD TO go to radio shack and "will be there in a little while." YOU HAVE CALLED ME 19 TIMES AND TEXT ME NEARLY AS MANY TIMES... AND YOU'RE TELLIN ME TO WAIT NOW?! HONEY PLEASE! THIS GUY APPARENTLY DIDN'T GET THE "I'M A PRINCESS AND I DO NOT WAIT" MEMO....
lucky me! he finally shows up... shortly after... so does the pizza. is it really asking so much for a guy to pick up the tab for pizza when HE picks the most expensive place in town? i would have never agreed to order $30 worth of pizza for two from papa john's had i actually contemplated that i could be paying the bill..... he didn't even flinch when i walked back across the room to get my checkbook. WOW... WHAT A FINE SPECIMEN I HAVE INVITED FOR THIS VISIT..... I STILL HAVE A MOVIE TO GET THROUGH! i pay the pizza guy and closed the door behind him... as i was shutting the door... i hear him demand.. "i'm gonna need a plate and a fork to eat that!" YOU'RE GONNA NEED A SHOVEL TO DIG THAT FORK OUTTA YOUR REAR WHEN I GET DONE BUDDY! "I'M GONNA NEED A PLATE AND A FORK..." REALLY?! CAN I SHUT THE DOOR BEFORE YOU START DEMANDING SILVERWARE? WOW.... so we are sitting and eating.... and i started the movie so as not to have to spend any more time with him than necessary. after we finished eating i took the pizza box and all utensils to the kitchen. we are watching the movie.... an activity that can typically be assumed to be painless... but then again... there is a reason you aren't suppose to ASSuME things....
about half way through the movie he looks over at me... with the most serious face... and says..."you're hair is really frizzy tonight..." SURELY IT IS TIME TO CALL AN AUDIOLOGIST... I NEED A HEARING TEST. WHAT HAS HAPPENED? THE NASCAR RACE HAS TRULY SENT ME OVER THE EDGE! of course i actually said..."huh?" if not bad enough the first time... he repeats himself..."i just said your hair is really frizzy tonight..." so as to try to make a joke out of it... i said...hahaha "no it's not!" but then he argued..."yes it is!" WOW... IT IS AT THIS MOMENT I THINK THE LORD WRAPPED HIS ARMS AROUND ME AND SQUEEZED TIGHTLY... IF HE HADN'T... I WOULD HAVE HAD MY HANDS AROUND THIS GUY'S THROAT... AND BE TYPING THIS BLOG FROM MCPHERSON'S WOMEN'S UNIT AT THE ARKANSAS DEPARTMENT OF CORRECTIONS. OK... WHO CARES IF HE'S CUTE... WHO CARES IF HE HAS A JOB... AND WHO SERIOUSLY CARES IF HE DOES HAVE HIS ON VEHICLE..... HE LIVES AT HOME WITH HIS PARENTS AND JUST TOLD ME MY HAIR IS FRIZZY.....
i called him a few days later and told him that i really didn't think it was going to work out.. he said that he agreed and we did the whole..."it was nice to have met you" thing. just a few weeks ago he called me to see if we could go out again..... i politely declined...i mean if my hair was "frizzy" before... there is no telling what havoc the recent weather has reaked on it!
why is it that when we are children we have to keep trying to touch the stove after our parents tell us to stop? why do we actually have to burn ourselves before we really do... STOP! similarly... i returned to internet dating. the next frog was from nearby. he won me over because he had 2/3 of the trifecta.... job and car. granted he still lived at home with his parents but seriously?! ya can't have it all... right?? WRONG! yes you can... you can have your cake and eat it too! however... before i learned this lesson, i made excuses for "Frizzo."
our first date....time, place, etc....all planned by him....was on a sunday afternoon. i met him at a public parking lot to "pick me up." cue fun trivia fact.... did you know that most nascar races are held on sunday afternoons? i didn't.... very soon into the trip to jonesboro for lunch..... i learned this and that in fact many of these races are announced over the radio... i also learned that a factory radio in a chevy can acheive a pretty impressive decibel level. after very little conversation... i am prone to migraines and maintaining a migraine free life is impossible while yelling across a vehicle over a radio announcer..... we finally arrived to the restaurant.
i soon learned that my date was an overly enthusiastic employee of tool city or some variance thereof.... he proceeded to enlighten me on the latest power tools along with acceptable price ranges and functions.... blah blah blah blah blah.... I FEEL LIKE I'M LISTENING TO CHARLIE BROWN'S TEACHER RATTLE ON AND ON... I WANT TO INTERRUPT HIM AND SAY "SERIOUSLY DUDE! DO I LOOK LIKE A GIRL THAT'S EVER EVEN HELD A HAMMER!?" AT WHAT POINT DID I MAKE A FACE THAT SEEMED INTERESTED? WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS!?
i will definitely have to say the best part of this date was the food.... after we finished...we got back in his car for the journey back to paragould... LUCKY ME.... the race is still being announced! he took me back to my car where i headed straight home and relived every painful screwdriver and chainsaw to my mother...
after "marinating" for a few days i decided that maybe i should have tried harder to "steer the conversation in another direction." he was...afterall...a nice guy and very cute. by this point i had decided he wasn't crazy.... and that he wouldn't kill me (we actually had a couple of mutual friends).... i decided to try pizza and a movie at my house. why i ever thought this would be a good idea i'll never know....
i had told him that i was to get off work at 7pm that night.... by 7 i actually mean 7:08. my work has some jacked up clock in and clock out policy that makes 7:08 the time to clock out... anywho... at 6:57 i received the first of approximately 8 messages asking me the following: WHEN WILL YOU BE HOME? YOU STILL GET OFF AT 7? WHAT TIME SHOULD I COME OVER? HAVE YOU ORDERED PIZZA YET? I REALLY WISH YOU WOULD ORDER PAPA JOHN'S... THAT'S MY FAVORITE! WHAT KIND OF MOVIE DO YOU WANT ME TO GET? WHAT IS YOUR EXACT ADDRESS AGAIN? ARE YOU NOT OFF WORK YET?
before i even leave the parking lot i'm regretting making this invite and wondering what exactly i can come up with to interrupt what i'm sure is to be a less than desirable date. WHERE ARE THOSE HEMOPHILIACS WHEN YA NEED THEM!? i head home and call him with all the details AGAIN! as soon as i call him he informs me that he decided that he HAD TO go to radio shack and "will be there in a little while." YOU HAVE CALLED ME 19 TIMES AND TEXT ME NEARLY AS MANY TIMES... AND YOU'RE TELLIN ME TO WAIT NOW?! HONEY PLEASE! THIS GUY APPARENTLY DIDN'T GET THE "I'M A PRINCESS AND I DO NOT WAIT" MEMO....
lucky me! he finally shows up... shortly after... so does the pizza. is it really asking so much for a guy to pick up the tab for pizza when HE picks the most expensive place in town? i would have never agreed to order $30 worth of pizza for two from papa john's had i actually contemplated that i could be paying the bill..... he didn't even flinch when i walked back across the room to get my checkbook. WOW... WHAT A FINE SPECIMEN I HAVE INVITED FOR THIS VISIT..... I STILL HAVE A MOVIE TO GET THROUGH! i pay the pizza guy and closed the door behind him... as i was shutting the door... i hear him demand.. "i'm gonna need a plate and a fork to eat that!" YOU'RE GONNA NEED A SHOVEL TO DIG THAT FORK OUTTA YOUR REAR WHEN I GET DONE BUDDY! "I'M GONNA NEED A PLATE AND A FORK..." REALLY?! CAN I SHUT THE DOOR BEFORE YOU START DEMANDING SILVERWARE? WOW.... so we are sitting and eating.... and i started the movie so as not to have to spend any more time with him than necessary. after we finished eating i took the pizza box and all utensils to the kitchen. we are watching the movie.... an activity that can typically be assumed to be painless... but then again... there is a reason you aren't suppose to ASSuME things....
about half way through the movie he looks over at me... with the most serious face... and says..."you're hair is really frizzy tonight..." SURELY IT IS TIME TO CALL AN AUDIOLOGIST... I NEED A HEARING TEST. WHAT HAS HAPPENED? THE NASCAR RACE HAS TRULY SENT ME OVER THE EDGE! of course i actually said..."huh?" if not bad enough the first time... he repeats himself..."i just said your hair is really frizzy tonight..." so as to try to make a joke out of it... i said...hahaha "no it's not!" but then he argued..."yes it is!" WOW... IT IS AT THIS MOMENT I THINK THE LORD WRAPPED HIS ARMS AROUND ME AND SQUEEZED TIGHTLY... IF HE HADN'T... I WOULD HAVE HAD MY HANDS AROUND THIS GUY'S THROAT... AND BE TYPING THIS BLOG FROM MCPHERSON'S WOMEN'S UNIT AT THE ARKANSAS DEPARTMENT OF CORRECTIONS. OK... WHO CARES IF HE'S CUTE... WHO CARES IF HE HAS A JOB... AND WHO SERIOUSLY CARES IF HE DOES HAVE HIS ON VEHICLE..... HE LIVES AT HOME WITH HIS PARENTS AND JUST TOLD ME MY HAIR IS FRIZZY.....
i called him a few days later and told him that i really didn't think it was going to work out.. he said that he agreed and we did the whole..."it was nice to have met you" thing. just a few weeks ago he called me to see if we could go out again..... i politely declined...i mean if my hair was "frizzy" before... there is no telling what havoc the recent weather has reaked on it!
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Burpee
ok... so after my divorce, i discovered that it is absolutely impossible to work the night shift and meet someone to hang out with. all i wanted was a friend to go to dinner with... watch a movie with.... just good company. at some point in my venture, i decided it was a "good idea" to get online and try a dating site.
this is where i first came in contact with the guy i like to call "Burpee." we chatted online for a while... he asked for my number, and being in my vulnerable state, i gave it to him. he called.... we talked.... he asked me out on a date....said he wanted to take me "some place really nice" so of course...i agreed!
date night rolls around...as usual i had the whole pre-date jitters. what to wear? how to fix my hair? what jewelry/shoes goes with that outfit? yada yada ya.. you get it.... so i drive to jonesboro to meet him at the agreed location. i park at the back of the parking lot so as not to be seen if i suddenly feel the urge to drive off and never look back.... i called my friend candice to get some good friendly advice for when i see him. i am talking to her when i spot him....he is.... hmmm... lets say not as aesthetically pleasing as i had hoped. as a matter of fact i should tell you now i'm quite shallow when it comes to this. guys i have dated in the past are what most would consider "pretty boys." maybe that is why i have found myself in this predicament. so after screaming into the phone how awful this situation is... candice assures me that the "right thing" to do would be go meet him and have dinner with him. after all, "no one has ever died from having dinner with someone." she also assured me that i might.... GOD FORBID.... actually like him. i decided she was right and drove to the front of the parking lot to park and meet him. after walking up to the building and doing the whole introduction thing (which is really awkward as always), he instructed me that i would be driving because he "was kind of in the middle of moving when he had to take time out for the date"... and really didn't have time to clean out his truck. ok so at this point i'm thinking.... THINGS THAT MAKE YA GO HMMMM FOR $200 ALEX... YOU ARE THE ONE THAT ASKED ME ON THIS DATE! IF THE TIMING IS BAD THIS IS YOUR FAULT, NOT MINE!!!!
so we are driving... i asked him where we were going at which point he says to me "i was thinking wings to go..." SERIOUSLY!? I WAS TOLD WE WERE GOING SOME PLACE NICE SO I WORE MY GOOD JEANS, CUTE BLACK SWEATER, AND HEELS FOR THIS?! SERIOUSLY?!
WOW....i don't even know what to say... so onward we go into wings to go. the entire trip (which felt like an hour but really wasn't but a few mins) he was in the passenger side of my vehicle breathing like he had just run the entire length of the tour de france beside lance armstrong on his trusty bicycle. i know this is picky but it really is annoying.
we FINALLY get there at which point he makes no move to open my door. we get in line to order food where he jumps in front of me and orders half the menu....i was then allowed to order and decided to choose something not so messy in the case that he was able to dig himself out of this havoc.... i didn't want to have wing sauce all over my face. we sat down to eat at which time he turned to look at the nearest tv. we ate in silence. i eat quickly... quick as i ever have before.... like i was at work and trying to get my blood sugar elevated enough to muster the strength to work the trauma code approaching our back door.... I ATE FAST! when i finished, he had only just begun..... as evidenced by belch number 1... i was seriously planning a trip to the doctor as i was sure i was experiencing auditory hallucinations. he continued eating at which point i heard belch number 2.... wow... there are no words. you must know that during any of these "outbursts" he never once covered his mouth... tried to stifle the sound or even said a simple "excuse me." at some point during the meal he did at least manage to ask me why i dressed up so much. now i have not broached the subject of his dress until now. that is because i always hated it in school when you had to "dress a certain way to be with the in crowd" or whatever. let us be perfectly clear that HE brought up the dress code for the date. being the passive agressive person i am in situations such as these i muttered something about "i always dress this way." now to unleash the fury on his dress for the date.... a black t shirt that was ripped in two places and a pair of black jeans that looked about 3 sizes too big.... not to be outdone by the black ozzy osbourne boots. I AM ON A DATE WITH A SERIAL KILLER... I WANT TO TEXT MY MOTHER AND TELL HER I LOVE HER AND THAT THE PAPERWORK FOR MY LIFE INSURANCE POLICY IS IN THE TOP DRAWER OF MY FILING CABINET IN MY OFFICE AT MY HOUSE. SHE IS THE BENEFICIARY SO THERE SHOULDN'T BE ANY PROBLEMS. as best i can i try to encourage a quick finish to the meal...we are walking back to MY car and he actually has the gaul to ask if i want to see a movie.... cue the phone call.... (i should have explained that i always have a friend call me at a certain point during any date to make sure i am ok... if not they assure me that a bus load of hemophiliacs have just wrecked and are headed to the er i am employed at and that my immediate assistance is required!) so past the point of rescue i think i can't ever return... i am so relieved at this phone call.... i apologized for the "bad timing" and explained that i had to return to paragould for an emergency at the hospital.... whew! i love my job!..... on the drive back i would be lying if i said i didn't giggle a little bit at belch number 3.... i am actually in awe at this point.... i feel like i am on candid camera. he FINALLY gets out of my car and i really think i can escape without seeing him again...
WRONG!!! over the course of the next week, he calls first to tell me what a "snotty little b**ch" i am...explaining that i had no right to dress that way and make him feel underdressed...wow.... again... there are no words....i said ok... i'm sorry i made you feel that way... looks like it just isn't going to work out...(this was back when i thought taking the higher road was the way to go) he called a few times over the course of the next 2 months at which point he had experienced a "change of heart" if you will.... i suddenly became the love of his life and had been rewarded a second chance! he still occasionally contacts me to ask me out for subsequent dates.... i have since... given up on being nice and recently started explaining that it really wouldn't be a good idea for him to go out with such a snotty little b**ch like me....
this is where i first came in contact with the guy i like to call "Burpee." we chatted online for a while... he asked for my number, and being in my vulnerable state, i gave it to him. he called.... we talked.... he asked me out on a date....said he wanted to take me "some place really nice" so of course...i agreed!
date night rolls around...as usual i had the whole pre-date jitters. what to wear? how to fix my hair? what jewelry/shoes goes with that outfit? yada yada ya.. you get it.... so i drive to jonesboro to meet him at the agreed location. i park at the back of the parking lot so as not to be seen if i suddenly feel the urge to drive off and never look back.... i called my friend candice to get some good friendly advice for when i see him. i am talking to her when i spot him....he is.... hmmm... lets say not as aesthetically pleasing as i had hoped. as a matter of fact i should tell you now i'm quite shallow when it comes to this. guys i have dated in the past are what most would consider "pretty boys." maybe that is why i have found myself in this predicament. so after screaming into the phone how awful this situation is... candice assures me that the "right thing" to do would be go meet him and have dinner with him. after all, "no one has ever died from having dinner with someone." she also assured me that i might.... GOD FORBID.... actually like him. i decided she was right and drove to the front of the parking lot to park and meet him. after walking up to the building and doing the whole introduction thing (which is really awkward as always), he instructed me that i would be driving because he "was kind of in the middle of moving when he had to take time out for the date"... and really didn't have time to clean out his truck. ok so at this point i'm thinking.... THINGS THAT MAKE YA GO HMMMM FOR $200 ALEX... YOU ARE THE ONE THAT ASKED ME ON THIS DATE! IF THE TIMING IS BAD THIS IS YOUR FAULT, NOT MINE!!!!
so we are driving... i asked him where we were going at which point he says to me "i was thinking wings to go..." SERIOUSLY!? I WAS TOLD WE WERE GOING SOME PLACE NICE SO I WORE MY GOOD JEANS, CUTE BLACK SWEATER, AND HEELS FOR THIS?! SERIOUSLY?!
WOW....i don't even know what to say... so onward we go into wings to go. the entire trip (which felt like an hour but really wasn't but a few mins) he was in the passenger side of my vehicle breathing like he had just run the entire length of the tour de france beside lance armstrong on his trusty bicycle. i know this is picky but it really is annoying.
we FINALLY get there at which point he makes no move to open my door. we get in line to order food where he jumps in front of me and orders half the menu....i was then allowed to order and decided to choose something not so messy in the case that he was able to dig himself out of this havoc.... i didn't want to have wing sauce all over my face. we sat down to eat at which time he turned to look at the nearest tv. we ate in silence. i eat quickly... quick as i ever have before.... like i was at work and trying to get my blood sugar elevated enough to muster the strength to work the trauma code approaching our back door.... I ATE FAST! when i finished, he had only just begun..... as evidenced by belch number 1... i was seriously planning a trip to the doctor as i was sure i was experiencing auditory hallucinations. he continued eating at which point i heard belch number 2.... wow... there are no words. you must know that during any of these "outbursts" he never once covered his mouth... tried to stifle the sound or even said a simple "excuse me." at some point during the meal he did at least manage to ask me why i dressed up so much. now i have not broached the subject of his dress until now. that is because i always hated it in school when you had to "dress a certain way to be with the in crowd" or whatever. let us be perfectly clear that HE brought up the dress code for the date. being the passive agressive person i am in situations such as these i muttered something about "i always dress this way." now to unleash the fury on his dress for the date.... a black t shirt that was ripped in two places and a pair of black jeans that looked about 3 sizes too big.... not to be outdone by the black ozzy osbourne boots. I AM ON A DATE WITH A SERIAL KILLER... I WANT TO TEXT MY MOTHER AND TELL HER I LOVE HER AND THAT THE PAPERWORK FOR MY LIFE INSURANCE POLICY IS IN THE TOP DRAWER OF MY FILING CABINET IN MY OFFICE AT MY HOUSE. SHE IS THE BENEFICIARY SO THERE SHOULDN'T BE ANY PROBLEMS. as best i can i try to encourage a quick finish to the meal...we are walking back to MY car and he actually has the gaul to ask if i want to see a movie.... cue the phone call.... (i should have explained that i always have a friend call me at a certain point during any date to make sure i am ok... if not they assure me that a bus load of hemophiliacs have just wrecked and are headed to the er i am employed at and that my immediate assistance is required!) so past the point of rescue i think i can't ever return... i am so relieved at this phone call.... i apologized for the "bad timing" and explained that i had to return to paragould for an emergency at the hospital.... whew! i love my job!..... on the drive back i would be lying if i said i didn't giggle a little bit at belch number 3.... i am actually in awe at this point.... i feel like i am on candid camera. he FINALLY gets out of my car and i really think i can escape without seeing him again...
WRONG!!! over the course of the next week, he calls first to tell me what a "snotty little b**ch" i am...explaining that i had no right to dress that way and make him feel underdressed...wow.... again... there are no words....i said ok... i'm sorry i made you feel that way... looks like it just isn't going to work out...(this was back when i thought taking the higher road was the way to go) he called a few times over the course of the next 2 months at which point he had experienced a "change of heart" if you will.... i suddenly became the love of his life and had been rewarded a second chance! he still occasionally contacts me to ask me out for subsequent dates.... i have since... given up on being nice and recently started explaining that it really wouldn't be a good idea for him to go out with such a snotty little b**ch like me....
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Why Do I Even Bother??
So I have decided to write a blog. I really don't know why other than I really like my friend Ashton's blog.... she has actually inspired me if you will... to write this blog. She wrote a blog describing an absolutely amazing date that she had had with a regular prince charming... turns out she is still dating the guy. This is great because it gives me a new found hope for mankind.... and yes I mean MANkind. After asking if he had a brother (and being let down because turns out he only has a sister), I decided to start this blog to release my own frustrations... in my conquest of finding my very own "Prince Charming."
So first things first.... YES! I know how to punctuate. I simply choose not to.... :)
Second order of business is a little about me. I am 25 and divorced. This, in and of itself, sucks. Don't get me wrong... I'm quite happy that I'm not married to him anymore... it is just awful to have to say that out loud! I still haven't gotten use to the way it sounds! After my divorce.. and a little time... I headed out on a new conquest... to find my REAL knight in shining armor (as it turns out the first one was a loser in aluminum foil.)
The blogs I intend to post will be...as best as I can remember them... actual dates that I have experienced since my divorce in 2007. They seem to have provided endless entertainment for my friends and co-workers, and hopefully they will provide a "pick me up" for someone else.....
So first things first.... YES! I know how to punctuate. I simply choose not to.... :)
Second order of business is a little about me. I am 25 and divorced. This, in and of itself, sucks. Don't get me wrong... I'm quite happy that I'm not married to him anymore... it is just awful to have to say that out loud! I still haven't gotten use to the way it sounds! After my divorce.. and a little time... I headed out on a new conquest... to find my REAL knight in shining armor (as it turns out the first one was a loser in aluminum foil.)
The blogs I intend to post will be...as best as I can remember them... actual dates that I have experienced since my divorce in 2007. They seem to have provided endless entertainment for my friends and co-workers, and hopefully they will provide a "pick me up" for someone else.....
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